you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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