Porn is love you can see.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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