Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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