Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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