M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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