She announced her abortion via fbk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
