So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
