My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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