even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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