Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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