I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
