i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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