my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
