I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had to cum in my sink.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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