I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
