I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
