tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
