fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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