The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
