Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
