My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
