Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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