I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
