I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize