At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
