I wish I could teleport
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
