I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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