College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
