I cockslap morals
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You took a bar mat shot.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
