a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize