So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
