when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
