The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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