last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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