I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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