Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
