I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
