You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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