My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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