You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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