Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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