How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I would ride that face into the sunset
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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