Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
