Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
