So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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