I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
