What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
