that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
