I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
