At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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