sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
a search helicopter?!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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