My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
