the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
