Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize