Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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