I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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