oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
