She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
