i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
