Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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