I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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