Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
