I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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