Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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