nut hugger
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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